Let's Talk about Sex, Baby
After homeschooling the girls for the past year, they are re-entering public school. I decided it was time to have the "Big Sex Talk" with them in preparation for boys, sexting, and peer pressure around sex. Both of them are taking PE/Health this year (different grades) and I wanted to make sure they heard my side of the story before they heard what a public school teacher has to say about it.
Some of you are reading this and just soiled your underwear at the idea of having the sex talk with your child. You are currently reading these words from the fetal position as you rock yourself slowly in the corner of your locked bedroom. For some folks (maybe even you) the idea of broaching the topic of sex with your child sends shivers of terror up your spine. You can already feel your throat closing as you imagine saying the words "penis", "vagina", or "intercourse" out-loud to your precious baby-child. It is for you that I am writing this post. The Big Sex Talk doesn't have to be terrible or traumatizing for your child -- or for you.
***Full Disclosure: I am a former school counselor who was always responsible for giving the "Hygiene Talk" at the school where I worked. Talking about body parts in front of children has long since lost its terror for me, especially after that one group of children who already knew terms like "wet dream" and weren't afraid to see how I would react when they used it in a sentence. I'm not your average mom because of those out-of-the-ordinary experiences.***
My husband and I talked early on about our desire for our children to grow up talking to us about everything. We knew that would involve being open to talking about all kinds of embarrassing things with them -- without blushing or scolding or otherwise freaking out. Toward that end, when we brought the girls home we allowed all manner of talk about poop, pee, farts, and other gross topics. Sometimes these topics come up at the dinner table, which isn't exactly appetizing. However, because we allowed those topics to be openly discussed without shame, it made it easier to bring up other topics with an equal amount of ease and shamelessness.
When the time came to have the "Period Talk" with my oldest child (who was ten at the time and showing all the markers of puberty), she was a little embarrassed and didn't want to make eye-contact as I talked about the parts of a woman's body and what to expect from her own changing body. But after her period started later that school year, she was glad she knew what to expect and quickly realized it wasn't that big of a deal. Shortly thereafter, she was comfortable talking about periods or asking for pads -- even in front of her dad and sister.
My oldest daughter's comfort in talking about Womanly Topics threw the door open wide when it came time to have the Period Talk with my youngest daughter. She already knew some of the information from hearing her sister and I talk about it in normal-everyday conversations. The words I used in the Period Talk weren't terribly surprising or embarrassing because she already knew many of them.
Yesterday was the Big Sex Talk with both girls, which was relatively new conversational territory for our family. The girls both know that sex is something my husband and I take seriously enough that we don't watch movies that feature sex scenes or listen to songs that talk about sexual topics. They also both know that our belief as parents is that sex is something reserved for marriage. Other than that (and probably some things they experienced with their biological family in the past), the girls were a pretty clean slate when it came to having the Big Sex Talk. Because you're still uncomfortable thinking about having to raise this topic with your own children, I'm going to tell you how I had the talk with the girls -- and how we all walked away with smiles on our faces.
First, I had created a printed document that asked the girls questions about their future, like "What college do I want to go to?", "What career do I want to have someday?", "What are three characteristics I would like in my future husband?". Each of these questions was printed in a little text-box within a pretty "doodle frame" graphic with space for them to write their answers. They answered the questions, colored their frames, and then cut out the doodle frames. I took their frames and turned them into flower petals by curling one corner of each doodle frame around a pencil. I then used tape to create a flower using a tea-light candle as the flower's base. It took a little creativity to get it to work so that I could get the candle lit without burning the paper, but I like how it turned out. I had also printed off a few reproductive anatomy diagrams of the female anatomy, male anatomy, and a diagram depicting pregnancy (WARNING: Be VERY careful which terms you put into Google to get these diagrams).
After creating the flower and the reproductive health diagrams, I called the girls back into the room to begin the Big Sex Talk. I started by reminding them of my favorite Bible verse, one I often share with them as a reminder of the goodness of God: Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" I pointed to each of their paper/candle flowers and told them that these represented their hopes and dreams for the good future God has waiting for them. Then I pointed out the candle inside and asked them what kinds of things fire can be used for in a helpful way. Their answers were the obvious: cooking, campfires, and a fireplace for warmth. Next, I asked them what types of harmful fires they can think of and, again, their answers were obvious: forest fires and house fires. I tied the two answers together by pointing out that a campfire is good and helpful unless the fire escapes the boundaries of the campfire and creates a forest fire. Or a fire in a fireplace is warm and lovely unless the fire escapes the boundary of the fireplace and turns into a house fire.
The same is true, I told them, with sexual desire. Sexual desire is like a flame in a candle (which I lit in their paper flowers). In it's proper place sexual desire is something good that God gave us as something that makes sex in marriage something we can enjoy and look forward to. You may not have sexual desire yet, but you will someday and it isn't a bad thing because God created it for a purpose. However, when sexual desire gets outside of it's boundaries -- outside of marriage to someone who cherishes us -- it can destroy our hopes and dreams. We can be heartbroken if the boy we have sex with breaks up with us and we can be embarrassed if he tells others about what we have done. We can get sexually-transmitted diseases by having sex with more than one person and if that person has had sex with multiple partners. We can get pregnant before we are ready and able to care for a baby and it can keep us from pursuing the college and career of our dreams. We can feel guilt and regret for having sex with someone and later wishing we could undo that choice. All of those outcomes are not what God designed for sex. God designed sex to be something that ties a husband and wife together in a way that is special, just to be shared with each other. Then if you get pregnant in marriage you are better prepared to handle it because you have the committed support and love of the baby's father.
After talking about the fire-desire analogy, I pulled out the diagrams and talked about what sex actually is. We talked about the female body parts and pregnancy and how babies grow and are delivered through the vagina. Then we talked about the male body parts and how they work and how the penis fits nicely into the vagina during sex. I pointed out how the penis delivers sperm to the waiting egg to create pregnancy. They thought the whole thing was weird, but I assured them God created the male and female parts to fit neatly together because it is a good and useful gift to us in marriage.
We finished by talking about how fire gets outside of its boundaries to create damage. I talked about throwing gasoline on a fire and how that makes the fire more dangerous. Then I compared pornography, sexting, sexual teasing, make-out sessions, and substance use as gasoline that makes sexual desire burn hotter and more destructively than it needs to. I warned them that boys might send pictures of their penis and/or ask for "nudes" -- and what unexpected consequences can come from that (getting in trouble for creating child pornography, having the boy share the pictures with his friends, having the boy get post break-up revenge using those pictures). We talked about making sure we remain in relatively public places with boys (even the boys we like) to help us remain accountable with our sexual purity. We also talked about rape and saying "no" and who has a right to touch our bodies. The conversation also included a discussion about pornography and how it is dangerous to the viewer and to the people in the pictures/videos who might actually be men and women forced into sexual slavery.
Throughout the Big Sex Talk, both girls asked a lot of questions. We have repeatedly talked about asking us questions instead of searching on the computer for answers (which can lead down a scary rabbit trail of pornography). After the talk was over, both girls suggested that they think sex sounds pretty gross and that they don't plan on giving birth to a baby ever because it sounds awful. My husband came home right after the girls and I finished talking and my youngest child couldn't wait to show him the diagrams and tell him some of the things she had just learned. Not only was she not embarrassed, she was totally comfortable including him in the conversation because she saw it as something normal and God-designed, not unlike anything else we might talk about as a family.
This method of having the Big Sex Talk might not be everyone's cup of tea. But this worked for our family and might work for yours, too. Feel free to borrow from the Miller's playbook if you want...just don't show fear because kids are like dogs and can sense your terror. It will make them more uncomfortable and fearful of what they are hearing -- and less likely to trust you as a confident source of answers to their awkward questions.
Some of you are reading this and just soiled your underwear at the idea of having the sex talk with your child. You are currently reading these words from the fetal position as you rock yourself slowly in the corner of your locked bedroom. For some folks (maybe even you) the idea of broaching the topic of sex with your child sends shivers of terror up your spine. You can already feel your throat closing as you imagine saying the words "penis", "vagina", or "intercourse" out-loud to your precious baby-child. It is for you that I am writing this post. The Big Sex Talk doesn't have to be terrible or traumatizing for your child -- or for you.
***Full Disclosure: I am a former school counselor who was always responsible for giving the "Hygiene Talk" at the school where I worked. Talking about body parts in front of children has long since lost its terror for me, especially after that one group of children who already knew terms like "wet dream" and weren't afraid to see how I would react when they used it in a sentence. I'm not your average mom because of those out-of-the-ordinary experiences.***
My husband and I talked early on about our desire for our children to grow up talking to us about everything. We knew that would involve being open to talking about all kinds of embarrassing things with them -- without blushing or scolding or otherwise freaking out. Toward that end, when we brought the girls home we allowed all manner of talk about poop, pee, farts, and other gross topics. Sometimes these topics come up at the dinner table, which isn't exactly appetizing. However, because we allowed those topics to be openly discussed without shame, it made it easier to bring up other topics with an equal amount of ease and shamelessness.
When the time came to have the "Period Talk" with my oldest child (who was ten at the time and showing all the markers of puberty), she was a little embarrassed and didn't want to make eye-contact as I talked about the parts of a woman's body and what to expect from her own changing body. But after her period started later that school year, she was glad she knew what to expect and quickly realized it wasn't that big of a deal. Shortly thereafter, she was comfortable talking about periods or asking for pads -- even in front of her dad and sister.
My oldest daughter's comfort in talking about Womanly Topics threw the door open wide when it came time to have the Period Talk with my youngest daughter. She already knew some of the information from hearing her sister and I talk about it in normal-everyday conversations. The words I used in the Period Talk weren't terribly surprising or embarrassing because she already knew many of them.
Yesterday was the Big Sex Talk with both girls, which was relatively new conversational territory for our family. The girls both know that sex is something my husband and I take seriously enough that we don't watch movies that feature sex scenes or listen to songs that talk about sexual topics. They also both know that our belief as parents is that sex is something reserved for marriage. Other than that (and probably some things they experienced with their biological family in the past), the girls were a pretty clean slate when it came to having the Big Sex Talk. Because you're still uncomfortable thinking about having to raise this topic with your own children, I'm going to tell you how I had the talk with the girls -- and how we all walked away with smiles on our faces.
After creating the flower and the reproductive health diagrams, I called the girls back into the room to begin the Big Sex Talk. I started by reminding them of my favorite Bible verse, one I often share with them as a reminder of the goodness of God: Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" I pointed to each of their paper/candle flowers and told them that these represented their hopes and dreams for the good future God has waiting for them. Then I pointed out the candle inside and asked them what kinds of things fire can be used for in a helpful way. Their answers were the obvious: cooking, campfires, and a fireplace for warmth. Next, I asked them what types of harmful fires they can think of and, again, their answers were obvious: forest fires and house fires. I tied the two answers together by pointing out that a campfire is good and helpful unless the fire escapes the boundaries of the campfire and creates a forest fire. Or a fire in a fireplace is warm and lovely unless the fire escapes the boundary of the fireplace and turns into a house fire.
The same is true, I told them, with sexual desire. Sexual desire is like a flame in a candle (which I lit in their paper flowers). In it's proper place sexual desire is something good that God gave us as something that makes sex in marriage something we can enjoy and look forward to. You may not have sexual desire yet, but you will someday and it isn't a bad thing because God created it for a purpose. However, when sexual desire gets outside of it's boundaries -- outside of marriage to someone who cherishes us -- it can destroy our hopes and dreams. We can be heartbroken if the boy we have sex with breaks up with us and we can be embarrassed if he tells others about what we have done. We can get sexually-transmitted diseases by having sex with more than one person and if that person has had sex with multiple partners. We can get pregnant before we are ready and able to care for a baby and it can keep us from pursuing the college and career of our dreams. We can feel guilt and regret for having sex with someone and later wishing we could undo that choice. All of those outcomes are not what God designed for sex. God designed sex to be something that ties a husband and wife together in a way that is special, just to be shared with each other. Then if you get pregnant in marriage you are better prepared to handle it because you have the committed support and love of the baby's father.
After talking about the fire-desire analogy, I pulled out the diagrams and talked about what sex actually is. We talked about the female body parts and pregnancy and how babies grow and are delivered through the vagina. Then we talked about the male body parts and how they work and how the penis fits nicely into the vagina during sex. I pointed out how the penis delivers sperm to the waiting egg to create pregnancy. They thought the whole thing was weird, but I assured them God created the male and female parts to fit neatly together because it is a good and useful gift to us in marriage.
We finished by talking about how fire gets outside of its boundaries to create damage. I talked about throwing gasoline on a fire and how that makes the fire more dangerous. Then I compared pornography, sexting, sexual teasing, make-out sessions, and substance use as gasoline that makes sexual desire burn hotter and more destructively than it needs to. I warned them that boys might send pictures of their penis and/or ask for "nudes" -- and what unexpected consequences can come from that (getting in trouble for creating child pornography, having the boy share the pictures with his friends, having the boy get post break-up revenge using those pictures). We talked about making sure we remain in relatively public places with boys (even the boys we like) to help us remain accountable with our sexual purity. We also talked about rape and saying "no" and who has a right to touch our bodies. The conversation also included a discussion about pornography and how it is dangerous to the viewer and to the people in the pictures/videos who might actually be men and women forced into sexual slavery.
Throughout the Big Sex Talk, both girls asked a lot of questions. We have repeatedly talked about asking us questions instead of searching on the computer for answers (which can lead down a scary rabbit trail of pornography). After the talk was over, both girls suggested that they think sex sounds pretty gross and that they don't plan on giving birth to a baby ever because it sounds awful. My husband came home right after the girls and I finished talking and my youngest child couldn't wait to show him the diagrams and tell him some of the things she had just learned. Not only was she not embarrassed, she was totally comfortable including him in the conversation because she saw it as something normal and God-designed, not unlike anything else we might talk about as a family.
This method of having the Big Sex Talk might not be everyone's cup of tea. But this worked for our family and might work for yours, too. Feel free to borrow from the Miller's playbook if you want...just don't show fear because kids are like dogs and can sense your terror. It will make them more uncomfortable and fearful of what they are hearing -- and less likely to trust you as a confident source of answers to their awkward questions.
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