Quiet, not Shy

Both of my children are fairly quiet in public. One is just pretty low-key all the time and not prone to say much in any situation. I think her personality is shaking out to be an introvert because some of her quiet ways remind me of myself. 

The other child hardly stops talking at home. She dances and flosses (not the dental kind) and says goofy things nearly all the time during most of her waking hours. And she has been like that since coming home to us back in 2012. In fact, her goofy ways have made her somewhat "internet famous" as I have detailed many of her silliest moments in my Facebook posts. There are many who follow these posts and laugh with us as a family, hoping to one day meet this hilarious character named "Little" (my internet nickname for her) they've read about so often on Facebook. Unfortunately, when they meet the famous and much-anticipated Little, she is the polar opposite of their expectation based on my descriptions of her antics. In person, Little is quiet, calm, serious, and the epitome of everything you would expect from someone who is exceptionally shy. Except, she doesn't consider herself shy at all and finds the word "shy" to be terribly insulting.

Here's the thing about Little. She has what can best be described as Social Anxiety, although that hasn't been officially diagnosed outside of Google and my copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 4th Edition from when I went to graduate school. When Little is with new people or in unfamiliar situations, her first response is to hide herself as well as she can. She may be standing right in front of you in plain sight, but she wears her own personal version of an invisibility cloak by essentially refusing to engage in conversation or make eye contact. A "social invisibility cloak" would be a good description of what Little defends herself with (and a new phrase I plan to patent). Little hates to be embarrassed or seen as stupid. For most situations, she is unsure of how she will be accepted if she says the wrong thing or makes the wrong move, so she chooses to participate in social situations by observing and remaining as quiet and unnoticed as possible. She is polite enough to answer questions you ask her, such as introducing herself if you ask her name. However, Little answers these questions with the fewest words, least eye contact, and the lowest volume possible. Then she goes back to being invisible in hopes you'll take the hint and leave her alone. 

Eventually -- given enough time, several positive experiences with you, and a little coaching from someone she knows well -- Little will warm up and show you her silly, fun side. She might even surprise you with her latest Fortnite dance or detailed descriptions of favorite class, her BFF, or her favorite Disney movie franchise. 

Or, you can choose to call her "shy" to her face. Then you'll probably lose the opportunity to win her over. In her mind, she isn't shy. She is quiet. And that distinction is really important.