Have you met my husband? His name is "Dad"...
I miss my husband. Now I'm living with this guy named "Dad" and I'm not sure what happened to the guy with whom I used to share little romantic gestures, meaningful conversations and spontaneous adventures.
Some people would say that now that we are "Mom" and "Dad" our lives are different, but better. And that's true in most ways. But it has been a big sacrifice.
I think when couples choose to have a baby they make the same sacrifice, but it is a little different. You've heard of the "frog in the boiling water" parable, right? The frog starts out in cool water and doesn't notice that the water is starting to boil because the change in temperature has been gradual and the frog didn't notice it changing. I think that's what it is like for couples who have a baby "from scratch". The baby changes their lives, of course, but they can still watch adult television shows while the baby is little and they can still have adult conversations. As the baby grows older and understands more, the conversations begin to shift and so do the TV shows, but the change has come so gradually they don't notice it so much.
For parents of older adopted kids, the change is sudden. There are ears who are listening. All. The. Time. (Except when you are telling them something they don't want to hear, like: "It's time for bed".)
Every conversation I try to have with my husband goes like this:
Me: I was reading about the Russian takeover of Ukraine…
Joe: Yes, I was interested in that. What did you read?
Big: What are you talking about?
Little: You're talking about us, aren't you?
Or this:
Me: I really need to go to Walmart to pick up a few things.
Little: You're buying us something?
Big: Where are we going? Are you taking us skating?
Little: Yay! Mom's taking us skating!!!
And it is more than just our conversations. I rarely call him by his name anymore. And he rarely calls me by my name either. We've become "Dad" and "Mom", even when we refer to each other. But, why do we do that? He isn't my dad. I'm not his mom. What happened to using each other's names?
Today we went on a family adventure to a city in a nearby state. We shopped at one of those malls that isn't really a mall because it has been built to look like shops along a city street. As we were walking, I wanted to hold my husband's hand. But my daughter had beat me to it. And it felt really weird, like jealousy. I was jealous of my kid holding my husband's hand…as if she were doing it on purpose. Intellectually I know that isn't what happened at all. It was just an affectionate move on her part. But, in my heart of hearts what was really going on was jealousy. I miss holding his hand because he is my husband. He's my husband and not just someone else's dad.
This part of the change from a couple to a family has been the most surprising, I think. The adoption classes don't mention that and no one warns you about how you will feel when your relationship changes this way.
Going forward I think we need to make husband-wife dating a bigger priority -- and by priority I mean that we shouldn't keep shoving it to the back burner like it isn't important. My husband may be a dad, but he really is still my husband. And he will continue to be my husband long after my daughters go away to their adult lives and we are "empty-nesters".
If you catch me calling my husband "Dad", please just remind me of his real name.
Some people would say that now that we are "Mom" and "Dad" our lives are different, but better. And that's true in most ways. But it has been a big sacrifice.
I think when couples choose to have a baby they make the same sacrifice, but it is a little different. You've heard of the "frog in the boiling water" parable, right? The frog starts out in cool water and doesn't notice that the water is starting to boil because the change in temperature has been gradual and the frog didn't notice it changing. I think that's what it is like for couples who have a baby "from scratch". The baby changes their lives, of course, but they can still watch adult television shows while the baby is little and they can still have adult conversations. As the baby grows older and understands more, the conversations begin to shift and so do the TV shows, but the change has come so gradually they don't notice it so much.
For parents of older adopted kids, the change is sudden. There are ears who are listening. All. The. Time. (Except when you are telling them something they don't want to hear, like: "It's time for bed".)
Every conversation I try to have with my husband goes like this:
Me: I was reading about the Russian takeover of Ukraine…
Joe: Yes, I was interested in that. What did you read?
Big: What are you talking about?
Little: You're talking about us, aren't you?
Or this:
Me: I really need to go to Walmart to pick up a few things.
Little: You're buying us something?
Big: Where are we going? Are you taking us skating?
Little: Yay! Mom's taking us skating!!!
And it is more than just our conversations. I rarely call him by his name anymore. And he rarely calls me by my name either. We've become "Dad" and "Mom", even when we refer to each other. But, why do we do that? He isn't my dad. I'm not his mom. What happened to using each other's names?
Today we went on a family adventure to a city in a nearby state. We shopped at one of those malls that isn't really a mall because it has been built to look like shops along a city street. As we were walking, I wanted to hold my husband's hand. But my daughter had beat me to it. And it felt really weird, like jealousy. I was jealous of my kid holding my husband's hand…as if she were doing it on purpose. Intellectually I know that isn't what happened at all. It was just an affectionate move on her part. But, in my heart of hearts what was really going on was jealousy. I miss holding his hand because he is my husband. He's my husband and not just someone else's dad.
This part of the change from a couple to a family has been the most surprising, I think. The adoption classes don't mention that and no one warns you about how you will feel when your relationship changes this way.
Going forward I think we need to make husband-wife dating a bigger priority -- and by priority I mean that we shouldn't keep shoving it to the back burner like it isn't important. My husband may be a dad, but he really is still my husband. And he will continue to be my husband long after my daughters go away to their adult lives and we are "empty-nesters".
If you catch me calling my husband "Dad", please just remind me of his real name.
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