Keepin' it Real and Keepin' it Real Funny

Many of you who follow this blog also follow me on Facebook. I often post funny stories of things my kids do or say. On Facebook I refer to my girls as "Big" and "Little"…as in "Big Sister" and "Little Sister". I avoid using their real names on social media because I want them to create their own online thumbprint someday, without the baggage of my recollections of their childhood foibles and follies.

Here's an example of the solid gold you might see from my children:

Little: Hey Mom, you know my nillicious?

Me: What?

Little: Nillicious!

Me: I don't know what that means. You mean like the book "Pinkalicious"?

Little: No. It's not a book. Nillicious….like A & M. Nillicious.

Me: Still don't get what you're saying. Do you mean "delicious"?

Little: NO! NILLICIOUS. NILLICIOUS….Like my name!

Me: ???

Little: You just don't get it! Like A & M in my name. NILLICIOUS.
Me: Ohhhhh……..I think you mean INITIALS.

Little: Yeah! Nillicious….I don't know how you say it

Or this gem:

Scripture, as read by Little:

"Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see. Herpes 11:1"

Several people over the past couple of years have told me to "never stop posting" these stories. One person, whose immediate family members are all my friends (in real life and on Facebook), told me that often they will text my especially-funny statuses to each other so they can all enjoy a laugh at the same time. After having talked with several people who routinely follow my Facebook posts, I have come across what I think might be helpful tips:

• If you glance and see the words "Little" or "Big" used as a name, please avoid drinking or eating anything until after you have read the full status. I would hate for you to blow liquid out your nostrils or perform a spit-take all over your computer keyboard. I don't want to be responsible for that kind of mess.
• I'm generally not fishing for any comments when I post parenting statuses (either good or bad). If you want to commiserate with my situation, feel free to make comments such as "Oh, yes….I remember that stage with my children!" or "I sometimes pretend to have diarrhea when little Susie starts doing that so I can hide in my bathroom for a few sweet uninterrupted moments." or "My therapist says it's completely normal to feel homicidal when the song 'Let it Go' is played." Showing that kind of empathy can be cathartic for you and validating for me.
• Also, I'm generally not looking for parenting advice. I'm surprised by how often people feel like they need to tell me about normal child development ("That's just what kids do") or general parenting knowledge ("That's just part of it when you choose to be a parent"). Usually I'm just posting funny comments to make you laugh, not to make you worry about my ability to adequately care for my children. 
• Do be encouraged that your children aren't the only ones who won't let you talk on the phone or use the restroom without interruption. Be encouraged that other parents feel just as traumatized by the math homework as you do and that you're not alone in fighting with your child over what constitutes an appropriate outfit for leaving the house. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. But we managed to keep our children alive today and that counts for something.
• Please note that my children definitely aren't hilarious 100% of the time and are rarely even mildly-entertaining when they meet new people. In fact, you could most easily describe my children as "shy of strangers". People often feel they know my girls from reading about them on Facebook and then expect the same level of hilarity in person. It will most likely end in disappointment if that's your expectation. Lower your expectations to blinking, staring, silence and maybe the occasional nervous fart.
• Finally, please don't tell my children you know all about them from Facebook. They know I post funny stories, but I don't always read the stories to them. I'm going to create a little book for each of them someday that they will (hopefully) find hilarious. Until then I don't want them needlessly feeling embarrassed over things that are just plain fun.

If, after reading these helpful hints, you still do not find my statuses entertaining or helpful, feel free to block me from your News Feed.