"Finger Quotes"
The other day at school I was asked by one of my fourth graders about an upcoming event. "Are you going to come see us perform?" she asked hopefully.
"No. I'm afraid I can't." I responded.
"Oh," she replied, a little sarcastically, "I suppose you have to take care of your (finger quotes) 'daughters', right?"
"I'm not sure why you're using finger quotes, since they are real girls and they really are my children. I can show you a picture of them."
"Right. I know they're (finger quotes) 'real'…but they're adopted, right?"
"Yes, they're adopted, but they are still really my daughters. That statement doesn't need finger quotes."
"But they're your (finger quotes) 'daughters', not your (finger quotes) 'real' daughters."
This little interaction got me to thinking about how people often perceive adopted children versus "real" children. When people use the word "real" in relation to children, what they mean is actually "biological". It takes a little education to help people understand how to talk about adoption.
Most people are approving of adoption. Even most cold-hearted folks approve of children having a family instead of wandering the streets (even if their attitude is mostly thanks to their political beliefs about how their taxes ought to be spent). However, I have been surprised by how many people ask awkward adoption questions.
So, here, Dearest Reader, are some questions and answers so that you don't have to embarrass yourself:
Are they both "yours"?
That's an odd way to look at it, but I suppose if you look at it from a purely legal standpoint I guess you could say they are my children. According to the State of Missouri (as seen on their new birth certificates), I am the mother of these children, even if I didn't actually meet them until they were eight and ten years old. Oddly enough, my husband and I are listed together as the "birth" parents on the birth certificate, even though we didn't even meet each other until several years after both girls were born.
How do they feel about being sisters?
I think most people ask this because the girls don't look anything alike, so most people assume they were adopted separately. But, they are half-sisters and have always lived together. As such, I'm sure they feel the way most sisters feel about each other -- full of love one moment and full of murderous rage the next.
Is that one your biological daughter and the other one adopted?
Most people who meet my two daughters think that the younger one looks like me. We both have fair skin and reddish hair. And our similar looks are one of the things that swayed the adoption staffing team (caseworkers, guardian ad litem, etc.) in our favor. However, that is a hard question for us to hear at our house. While my youngest child always beams with pride at that question, my older daughter wilts when she hears it. It is no fun to be left out and that question always makes her feel like she is less than her sister just because of her looks.
Didn't you ever want children of our own?
Not everyone who adopts does so because of infertility. I have never had a desire to give birth to children. The decision to adopt was made in my mind in 1985 when I was 12 years old. Giving birth doesn't make you a mom, parenting does. These girls are my own children, even if I didn't give birth to them.
To summarize, whether you use finger quotes or not, my daughters are really my daughters. No one else's opinion of their realness matters to me.
"No. I'm afraid I can't." I responded.
"Oh," she replied, a little sarcastically, "I suppose you have to take care of your (finger quotes) 'daughters', right?"
"I'm not sure why you're using finger quotes, since they are real girls and they really are my children. I can show you a picture of them."
"Right. I know they're (finger quotes) 'real'…but they're adopted, right?"
"Yes, they're adopted, but they are still really my daughters. That statement doesn't need finger quotes."
"But they're your (finger quotes) 'daughters', not your (finger quotes) 'real' daughters."
This little interaction got me to thinking about how people often perceive adopted children versus "real" children. When people use the word "real" in relation to children, what they mean is actually "biological". It takes a little education to help people understand how to talk about adoption.
Most people are approving of adoption. Even most cold-hearted folks approve of children having a family instead of wandering the streets (even if their attitude is mostly thanks to their political beliefs about how their taxes ought to be spent). However, I have been surprised by how many people ask awkward adoption questions.
So, here, Dearest Reader, are some questions and answers so that you don't have to embarrass yourself:
Are they both "yours"?
That's an odd way to look at it, but I suppose if you look at it from a purely legal standpoint I guess you could say they are my children. According to the State of Missouri (as seen on their new birth certificates), I am the mother of these children, even if I didn't actually meet them until they were eight and ten years old. Oddly enough, my husband and I are listed together as the "birth" parents on the birth certificate, even though we didn't even meet each other until several years after both girls were born.
How do they feel about being sisters?
I think most people ask this because the girls don't look anything alike, so most people assume they were adopted separately. But, they are half-sisters and have always lived together. As such, I'm sure they feel the way most sisters feel about each other -- full of love one moment and full of murderous rage the next.
Is that one your biological daughter and the other one adopted?
Most people who meet my two daughters think that the younger one looks like me. We both have fair skin and reddish hair. And our similar looks are one of the things that swayed the adoption staffing team (caseworkers, guardian ad litem, etc.) in our favor. However, that is a hard question for us to hear at our house. While my youngest child always beams with pride at that question, my older daughter wilts when she hears it. It is no fun to be left out and that question always makes her feel like she is less than her sister just because of her looks.
Didn't you ever want children of our own?
Not everyone who adopts does so because of infertility. I have never had a desire to give birth to children. The decision to adopt was made in my mind in 1985 when I was 12 years old. Giving birth doesn't make you a mom, parenting does. These girls are my own children, even if I didn't give birth to them.
To summarize, whether you use finger quotes or not, my daughters are really my daughters. No one else's opinion of their realness matters to me.
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