Playing the "Real Parents" card
Most of the time our adoption experience has been very smooth. When we took the foster parent and adoption classes, it was clear that kids in foster care sometimes carry BIG baggage with them. We learned about feces smearing, peeing into air vents, harming pets, and other stories that sounded more like a horror film than reality.
Our own experience with kids in the foster care system has been very low key when compared to kids who smear poop on the walls. Instead of bodily fluid, we have dealt with more drama from emotional baggage. We've had our share of tantrums, defiance, manipulation, and just plain bratty behavior.
After the first year of foster-adoption we saw an end to most of the tantrums and a reduction in most of the other negative behaviors. Consistent routine, clear boundaries, social skills training, and relentlessly practicing new behaviors brought a miraculous end to of the most onerous baggage from our children's past.
But all is not sparkly unicorns, warm kittens, and magical rainbows at our house. Right now the biggest behavior we face is with manipulation whenever we say "no" to one particular child. Raised hearing only "yes" from her biological parents, our home is a constant source of disappointment. We don't allow sugar for every meal and snack. No one gets to watch TV or play on devices during every waking moment of the day. We're not into constant entertainment, constant spending, constant coddling, or constant gratification. We say "no" a lot at our house. And we require chores, homework, extra reading practice, and manners. It's a hard knocks life around here for sure. I'm pretty sure Annie was glad not to be adopted by us.
Because of all our "mean" parenting, our children have plenty of opportunities to practice handling disappointment and delaying gratification. Eventually I'm sure they will thank us, but for right now we compare very unfavorably to their biological parents when it comes to instant gratification. My youngest child was favored by her biological parents and was given most everything she wanted (usually to the detriment of her siblings' needs, unfortunately). To describe her as a little spoiled when she came to us would be an understatement. She has had the most difficulty with adjusting to life with us. And she has been the quickest to play the "Real Parent" card when difficulties arise. When we say "no" to something she really wants (like going to a sleepover at the home of someone we've never met) she becomes sullen, withdrawn, and suddenly focused on how much she misses her biological family. Occasionally she even utters the dreaded words "My 'REAL' parents would have let me!"
Luckily I don't need to be popular with my children to feel good about myself. Their heartbreak at not getting a smart phone during childhood (like "everyone" else) or not getting to go to every sleepover will not matter by the time they are adults. Someday they will grow up and, hopefully, be well-adjusted adults with healthy relationships and the ability to keep a job. And someday they will also realize there were reasons their "real" parents didn't exactly succeed at parenting. The "Real Parent" card will someday stop being a weapon in their arsenal, gone by the wayside just like tantrums.
As for now we do sometimes have successes, even on bad days. Once in a while our youngest child actually apologizes for being mad that we said "no" and that she knows we're just trying to keep her safe. Those are great days and make us feel a little like we might be doing something right. I'm sure she'll put us in our place tomorrow, but for today I'm going to bask in the post-apology glow and pretend that I'm not screwing my children up completely. At least not today.
Our own experience with kids in the foster care system has been very low key when compared to kids who smear poop on the walls. Instead of bodily fluid, we have dealt with more drama from emotional baggage. We've had our share of tantrums, defiance, manipulation, and just plain bratty behavior.
After the first year of foster-adoption we saw an end to most of the tantrums and a reduction in most of the other negative behaviors. Consistent routine, clear boundaries, social skills training, and relentlessly practicing new behaviors brought a miraculous end to of the most onerous baggage from our children's past.
But all is not sparkly unicorns, warm kittens, and magical rainbows at our house. Right now the biggest behavior we face is with manipulation whenever we say "no" to one particular child. Raised hearing only "yes" from her biological parents, our home is a constant source of disappointment. We don't allow sugar for every meal and snack. No one gets to watch TV or play on devices during every waking moment of the day. We're not into constant entertainment, constant spending, constant coddling, or constant gratification. We say "no" a lot at our house. And we require chores, homework, extra reading practice, and manners. It's a hard knocks life around here for sure. I'm pretty sure Annie was glad not to be adopted by us.
Because of all our "mean" parenting, our children have plenty of opportunities to practice handling disappointment and delaying gratification. Eventually I'm sure they will thank us, but for right now we compare very unfavorably to their biological parents when it comes to instant gratification. My youngest child was favored by her biological parents and was given most everything she wanted (usually to the detriment of her siblings' needs, unfortunately). To describe her as a little spoiled when she came to us would be an understatement. She has had the most difficulty with adjusting to life with us. And she has been the quickest to play the "Real Parent" card when difficulties arise. When we say "no" to something she really wants (like going to a sleepover at the home of someone we've never met) she becomes sullen, withdrawn, and suddenly focused on how much she misses her biological family. Occasionally she even utters the dreaded words "My 'REAL' parents would have let me!"
Luckily I don't need to be popular with my children to feel good about myself. Their heartbreak at not getting a smart phone during childhood (like "everyone" else) or not getting to go to every sleepover will not matter by the time they are adults. Someday they will grow up and, hopefully, be well-adjusted adults with healthy relationships and the ability to keep a job. And someday they will also realize there were reasons their "real" parents didn't exactly succeed at parenting. The "Real Parent" card will someday stop being a weapon in their arsenal, gone by the wayside just like tantrums.
As for now we do sometimes have successes, even on bad days. Once in a while our youngest child actually apologizes for being mad that we said "no" and that she knows we're just trying to keep her safe. Those are great days and make us feel a little like we might be doing something right. I'm sure she'll put us in our place tomorrow, but for today I'm going to bask in the post-apology glow and pretend that I'm not screwing my children up completely. At least not today.
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