Sometimes life hands you lemons...sometimes it hands you idiots on the internet
Today a friend of mine went to Facebook to lament that the ER required her to show proof that she was the parent of her son, who was adopted from Haiti. He has the same last name she has. She had a valid, current copy of his health insurance. The only thing she didn't have was the same color skin as her son, which triggered the hospital intake person to require proof of guardianship.
My friend and I share a common lament. My husband, my youngest daughter and I have white skin, my oldest daughter has brown skin. When we go places, my daughter's brown skin makes her stand out from the rest of us...and she is keenly aware of that fact. She doesn't need the intake person at urgent care to point that out by asking only for guardianship papers proving she is part of our family, but never asking the same thing for her white sister. My oldest child has been suffering through people's awestruck wonder that her white sister happens to look so much like her adoptive family, while never hearing the same kind words of belonging directed her way.
While having this conversation on Facebook, my friend's acquaintance started commenting about how it isn't that big of a deal to show proof of guardianship and that it really is to protect children. "You just aren't seeing the bigger picture" he asserted. "The world isn't being racist to you" he claimed. "Your anger over this is clouding your judgement" he suggested. "You are overreacting by acting miserable just because you have to show your guardianship papers sometimes." I'm still unclear why he thought I was "overreacting" or "miserable" when all I said was that it would be nice if the same policy on proof of guardianship applied equally to all minors and not just the brown-skinned ones. Who knows what lines he was reading between to see some sort of unspoken inner turmoil or out-of-control rage that even I didn't know I was experiencing. Facebook is often good for misunderstandings.
No matter what I tried saying to this internet "enthusiast", I couldn't get him to see that I don't expect to have ER or urgent care intake workers look at my daughter and assume she came out of my vagina. However, they shouldn't look at my white daughter to make that assumption, either (since she also didn't come out of my vagina). When I am asked to follow a different standard protocol for my Black daughter than I am for my White daughter, it makes me wonder what is behind it. Isn't it reasonable to expect them to be treated equally? If administrators or others are worried about guardianship, shouldn't they worry about that for all children? I could just as easily attempt to scam the system with a White, non-related child as I could with a Black, Latino, or Asian one. Wouldn't it be simpler just to extend the policy so that all adults presenting a child for treatment at urgent care or the ER have proof of guardianship (or other rights to pursue medical care)?
The idiot on the internet kept chipping away at my patience today. However, as he raised my ire, he also raised my concern about the pervasive nature of the race issues we face. Is it really so rare for White parents to have adopted children of a different race that people literally don't know what to do with families like mine? I'd like to say I believe racism is dead, but I have experienced too many little moments of subtle racism since adopting my daughters to deceive myself. While I don't believe this kind of racism is nefarious, I do believe it requires some correction so that it doesn't hurt others. Too many times I have watched my oldest daughter wilt a little when someone assumes she is not part of our family, but never question her biological half-sister's place in our life. That's an unnecessary pain which could easily be avoided by treating them alike in how policies are applied.
My main take away from my internet interaction today is that when life hands you idiots, make sure you have taken your blood pressure pills or that you have prayed to Jesus for an extra measure of kindness to love the idiot despite his stupidity.
My friend and I share a common lament. My husband, my youngest daughter and I have white skin, my oldest daughter has brown skin. When we go places, my daughter's brown skin makes her stand out from the rest of us...and she is keenly aware of that fact. She doesn't need the intake person at urgent care to point that out by asking only for guardianship papers proving she is part of our family, but never asking the same thing for her white sister. My oldest child has been suffering through people's awestruck wonder that her white sister happens to look so much like her adoptive family, while never hearing the same kind words of belonging directed her way.
While having this conversation on Facebook, my friend's acquaintance started commenting about how it isn't that big of a deal to show proof of guardianship and that it really is to protect children. "You just aren't seeing the bigger picture" he asserted. "The world isn't being racist to you" he claimed. "Your anger over this is clouding your judgement" he suggested. "You are overreacting by acting miserable just because you have to show your guardianship papers sometimes." I'm still unclear why he thought I was "overreacting" or "miserable" when all I said was that it would be nice if the same policy on proof of guardianship applied equally to all minors and not just the brown-skinned ones. Who knows what lines he was reading between to see some sort of unspoken inner turmoil or out-of-control rage that even I didn't know I was experiencing. Facebook is often good for misunderstandings.
No matter what I tried saying to this internet "enthusiast", I couldn't get him to see that I don't expect to have ER or urgent care intake workers look at my daughter and assume she came out of my vagina. However, they shouldn't look at my white daughter to make that assumption, either (since she also didn't come out of my vagina). When I am asked to follow a different standard protocol for my Black daughter than I am for my White daughter, it makes me wonder what is behind it. Isn't it reasonable to expect them to be treated equally? If administrators or others are worried about guardianship, shouldn't they worry about that for all children? I could just as easily attempt to scam the system with a White, non-related child as I could with a Black, Latino, or Asian one. Wouldn't it be simpler just to extend the policy so that all adults presenting a child for treatment at urgent care or the ER have proof of guardianship (or other rights to pursue medical care)?
The idiot on the internet kept chipping away at my patience today. However, as he raised my ire, he also raised my concern about the pervasive nature of the race issues we face. Is it really so rare for White parents to have adopted children of a different race that people literally don't know what to do with families like mine? I'd like to say I believe racism is dead, but I have experienced too many little moments of subtle racism since adopting my daughters to deceive myself. While I don't believe this kind of racism is nefarious, I do believe it requires some correction so that it doesn't hurt others. Too many times I have watched my oldest daughter wilt a little when someone assumes she is not part of our family, but never question her biological half-sister's place in our life. That's an unnecessary pain which could easily be avoided by treating them alike in how policies are applied.
My main take away from my internet interaction today is that when life hands you idiots, make sure you have taken your blood pressure pills or that you have prayed to Jesus for an extra measure of kindness to love the idiot despite his stupidity.
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