Boundaries = Security
It is funny how people give their opinion without really giving their opinion. Like when I mention a rule in my house and get a response like "You run a tight ship, Cap'n." What the person is saying (in a playfully-sarcastic way) is that they think my rules are too strict.
However, when I get that response the person isn't usually looking at the full picture of my family situation. The reality for my family is that my children need boundaries. They crave boundaries. It isn't like they say "Golly gee willickers, Mom, I am sure glad you make me go to bed at 8:30 on a school night. I'm a happier child when I am well-rested." No, we generally don't receive many verbal "thank you's" for our household rules. But my children certainly communicate their thanks through their behavior.
Also, as with so many things, it is important to understand the context of our particular family. Boundaries are important for all kids, but they are especially important for kids who have come through the foster care system. Their early life was unpredictable and many of the life events they have faced left them with fear, uncertainty, and insecurity. Predictable routines and clear rules help children feel secure in knowing what will happen, when it will happen, and what the outcome will most likely be. Boundaries help my children feel confident that what happens today is going to be the same as what happened yesterday and the day before that. They don't have to spend their days and nights worried about the rug getting pulled out from under them like it did so many times in the past.
In our house, we have a very clear daily schedule that doesn't change much from one day to the next. Meals are served on pretty much the same schedule each day and so are snacks. My girls, who grew up in poverty and came to us with food insecurity, no longer have to worry about when they might see food again because they know meals happen on a reliable schedule. And I have a menu posted on the fridge telling them what we will be eating. This helps with budgeting and grocery shopping, but it also provides security. There are no questions driven by anxiety over food.
Other parts of the schedule help my children know what we expect -- and what they need to do to meet our expectations. For example, homework happens reliably after they get off the bus and have a snack. We read for twenty minutes each school night and then do homework until all the homework is done. The TV doesn't click on until all homework is finished by both girls, because a quiet house is good for concentration. We love letting the girls play with neighborhood friends, but they know homework is the first priority and must be finished before getting to play. Friends and TV provide important incentives to finish their responsibilities. It also reduces complaints, fighting, and frustration later in the evening because they took care of business early on and have lots of freedom with their time in the evening.
Similarly, we have chores scheduled into the week. Chores are part of taking care of the home and every member of the family takes part -- and for us it is not an expectation for earning allowance, but rather just part of being a family (although I know some of you use chores as a way to earn money, which is another great way to do it). We generally do chores on Saturday mornings. Chores are a all-hands-on-deck activity. Having it as a regularly scheduled part of family life means that we hear almost no complaints or arguments during chore time. (Please note: this doesn't include daily chores like doing the dishes, cleaning up after dinner, or taking out the trash when the can is overflowing -- those things happen as needed and not just once/week).
In our family we believe in taking care of our home and keeping it nice. Each evening we pick up our belongings and put them away (or at least put them in our respective bedrooms until chore day). We have rules about certain activities that could damage walls, pictures, the carpet, furniture, etc. Lots of people have a philosophy that allows children to be children, even if a mess is left in their wake. My children are old enough to respect other people's belongings and to take responsibility for keeping things safe. Certainly we have fun at home, but they know which activities are off limits and what the consequences will be if rules are broken (loss of privilege or grounded from a certain toy).
My husband and I take a long view of parenting. It is easy to see what a short view of parenting looks like. Just turn on most TV shows and you'll see fictional parents who have a short view of parenting their kids. Being friends with your kid, buying them whatever they want, making sure all gratification is instant, and letting kids behave disrespectfully are all great examples of short-view parenting. I love my children, but I know that the world will not love them if they are rude, impatient or greedy. My children are always welcome in my home, but I do most-certainly hope they are able to live on their own as adults someday. What that means is that my children will need to be able to get a job, keep that job, manage their money, care for a home, and obey laws.
Toward that end, my children need to practice taking care of their belongings because those things cost money to buy and they cost money to fix or replace. We teach them to manage their allowance by teaching them to save a portion and to use a portion for offering at church. The money that is leftover is theirs to spend, but we encourage them to spend it wisely on things they really want, rather than whims and momentary fancies. And we don't buy them whatever they beg for, because that's not a reasonable standard to live up to. When they are adults, especially when they are just starting out on their own, they won't be able to afford to buy everything their hearts desire. Bills will come first and saving for a rainy day will be more important than constantly giving in to the latest whim.
Someday our children will be law-abiding citizens because they are learning yesterday, today and tomorrow to obey rules at home and at school. If they mess up at school we don't call the school to complain to the teacher. We talk to the teacher about what happened and how we can encourage our child to make better choices. When rules are broken at home, the consequences match the "crime" -- because that is what happens in real life.
Someday my children will be able to care for their own home because we are already teaching them to do their own laundry, use a vacuum cleaner, clean the toilet, take out the trash, clean up food spills, and how to wash dishes.
Plus, my children need to practice using manners and respectful behavior toward others, especially authority figures. We have fun with our children, but they know very clearly that we aren't their friends.
If it seems like I run a tight ship, it's probably because I do. But I don't really care if you think it is too tight. My children's behavior tells me they feel loved and secure here. And, on rare occasions, they thank my husband and me for giving them a good place to live where they know it is safe -- that's what tells me all our boundaries are worth the effort.
However, when I get that response the person isn't usually looking at the full picture of my family situation. The reality for my family is that my children need boundaries. They crave boundaries. It isn't like they say "Golly gee willickers, Mom, I am sure glad you make me go to bed at 8:30 on a school night. I'm a happier child when I am well-rested." No, we generally don't receive many verbal "thank you's" for our household rules. But my children certainly communicate their thanks through their behavior.
Also, as with so many things, it is important to understand the context of our particular family. Boundaries are important for all kids, but they are especially important for kids who have come through the foster care system. Their early life was unpredictable and many of the life events they have faced left them with fear, uncertainty, and insecurity. Predictable routines and clear rules help children feel secure in knowing what will happen, when it will happen, and what the outcome will most likely be. Boundaries help my children feel confident that what happens today is going to be the same as what happened yesterday and the day before that. They don't have to spend their days and nights worried about the rug getting pulled out from under them like it did so many times in the past.
In our house, we have a very clear daily schedule that doesn't change much from one day to the next. Meals are served on pretty much the same schedule each day and so are snacks. My girls, who grew up in poverty and came to us with food insecurity, no longer have to worry about when they might see food again because they know meals happen on a reliable schedule. And I have a menu posted on the fridge telling them what we will be eating. This helps with budgeting and grocery shopping, but it also provides security. There are no questions driven by anxiety over food.
Other parts of the schedule help my children know what we expect -- and what they need to do to meet our expectations. For example, homework happens reliably after they get off the bus and have a snack. We read for twenty minutes each school night and then do homework until all the homework is done. The TV doesn't click on until all homework is finished by both girls, because a quiet house is good for concentration. We love letting the girls play with neighborhood friends, but they know homework is the first priority and must be finished before getting to play. Friends and TV provide important incentives to finish their responsibilities. It also reduces complaints, fighting, and frustration later in the evening because they took care of business early on and have lots of freedom with their time in the evening.
Similarly, we have chores scheduled into the week. Chores are part of taking care of the home and every member of the family takes part -- and for us it is not an expectation for earning allowance, but rather just part of being a family (although I know some of you use chores as a way to earn money, which is another great way to do it). We generally do chores on Saturday mornings. Chores are a all-hands-on-deck activity. Having it as a regularly scheduled part of family life means that we hear almost no complaints or arguments during chore time. (Please note: this doesn't include daily chores like doing the dishes, cleaning up after dinner, or taking out the trash when the can is overflowing -- those things happen as needed and not just once/week).
In our family we believe in taking care of our home and keeping it nice. Each evening we pick up our belongings and put them away (or at least put them in our respective bedrooms until chore day). We have rules about certain activities that could damage walls, pictures, the carpet, furniture, etc. Lots of people have a philosophy that allows children to be children, even if a mess is left in their wake. My children are old enough to respect other people's belongings and to take responsibility for keeping things safe. Certainly we have fun at home, but they know which activities are off limits and what the consequences will be if rules are broken (loss of privilege or grounded from a certain toy).
My husband and I take a long view of parenting. It is easy to see what a short view of parenting looks like. Just turn on most TV shows and you'll see fictional parents who have a short view of parenting their kids. Being friends with your kid, buying them whatever they want, making sure all gratification is instant, and letting kids behave disrespectfully are all great examples of short-view parenting. I love my children, but I know that the world will not love them if they are rude, impatient or greedy. My children are always welcome in my home, but I do most-certainly hope they are able to live on their own as adults someday. What that means is that my children will need to be able to get a job, keep that job, manage their money, care for a home, and obey laws.
Toward that end, my children need to practice taking care of their belongings because those things cost money to buy and they cost money to fix or replace. We teach them to manage their allowance by teaching them to save a portion and to use a portion for offering at church. The money that is leftover is theirs to spend, but we encourage them to spend it wisely on things they really want, rather than whims and momentary fancies. And we don't buy them whatever they beg for, because that's not a reasonable standard to live up to. When they are adults, especially when they are just starting out on their own, they won't be able to afford to buy everything their hearts desire. Bills will come first and saving for a rainy day will be more important than constantly giving in to the latest whim.
Someday our children will be law-abiding citizens because they are learning yesterday, today and tomorrow to obey rules at home and at school. If they mess up at school we don't call the school to complain to the teacher. We talk to the teacher about what happened and how we can encourage our child to make better choices. When rules are broken at home, the consequences match the "crime" -- because that is what happens in real life.
Someday my children will be able to care for their own home because we are already teaching them to do their own laundry, use a vacuum cleaner, clean the toilet, take out the trash, clean up food spills, and how to wash dishes.
Plus, my children need to practice using manners and respectful behavior toward others, especially authority figures. We have fun with our children, but they know very clearly that we aren't their friends.
If it seems like I run a tight ship, it's probably because I do. But I don't really care if you think it is too tight. My children's behavior tells me they feel loved and secure here. And, on rare occasions, they thank my husband and me for giving them a good place to live where they know it is safe -- that's what tells me all our boundaries are worth the effort.
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