Surprised by myself
There have been several surprises about the adoption process and parenthood. For example, I have been surprised by how much drama little girls produce. I guess I thought I understood girls, since I am one. But, sisters have a completely different relationship with each other than brothers and sisters do. I had a brother growing up and we definitely fought, but usually a brawl worked it out and then we could move on. Sisters fight with much more manipulation and emotional warfare than they do physical fights. Something that we thought was resolved two weeks ago often rears its head again and again as new scuffles erupt. Very surprising indeed.
But, I have recently been most surprised by myself. I have had a reaction to this process that I didn't expect I would have. I have always wanted to adopt my children and have openly been sharing that plan since I was twelve years old.
Since having our adoptive children in our home, though, I have found myself surprisingly embarrassed. Let's be clear -- I'm not embarrassed of the girls. They are wonderful, even when they are fighting with each other. But I find myself feeling like I need to explain our family to others. Of my two girls, one looks like she could have been born from my genetics. We have very similar hair and skin. People usually assume she is my biological child. The other daughter is biracial and her luscious caramel skin definitely does NOT resemble mine.
Add to that the awkwardness I feel when people ask the girls' names. They have different last names...and both names are different than my last name. Whenever I introduce them using their current last names, I feel like I get a very particular reaction from others. A judgmental reaction. I can almost hear the other person thinking: "Just how many baby daddies does this woman have?" I have had to bite my tongue more times than I care to admit, because I immediately want to defend my reputation by making sure the hearer knows these girls are being adopted. They have different names because I didn't give birth to them.
I am fighting with my brain over this ridiculous behavior. Who cares what other people think? So what if they think the worst of me. I know the truth. My husband knows the truth. My friends and family know the truth. More importantly, my Creator knows the truth. It shouldn't matter what strangers think of me.
I'm sure there will be many more surprises and this one will be completely forgotten. In a few short months our adoption is finalized and the girls and I will have the same last name. And it still won't matter what other people think of me or my family. Until then I'll keep working on not caring about others' opinions.
But, I have recently been most surprised by myself. I have had a reaction to this process that I didn't expect I would have. I have always wanted to adopt my children and have openly been sharing that plan since I was twelve years old.
Since having our adoptive children in our home, though, I have found myself surprisingly embarrassed. Let's be clear -- I'm not embarrassed of the girls. They are wonderful, even when they are fighting with each other. But I find myself feeling like I need to explain our family to others. Of my two girls, one looks like she could have been born from my genetics. We have very similar hair and skin. People usually assume she is my biological child. The other daughter is biracial and her luscious caramel skin definitely does NOT resemble mine.
Add to that the awkwardness I feel when people ask the girls' names. They have different last names...and both names are different than my last name. Whenever I introduce them using their current last names, I feel like I get a very particular reaction from others. A judgmental reaction. I can almost hear the other person thinking: "Just how many baby daddies does this woman have?" I have had to bite my tongue more times than I care to admit, because I immediately want to defend my reputation by making sure the hearer knows these girls are being adopted. They have different names because I didn't give birth to them.
I am fighting with my brain over this ridiculous behavior. Who cares what other people think? So what if they think the worst of me. I know the truth. My husband knows the truth. My friends and family know the truth. More importantly, my Creator knows the truth. It shouldn't matter what strangers think of me.
I'm sure there will be many more surprises and this one will be completely forgotten. In a few short months our adoption is finalized and the girls and I will have the same last name. And it still won't matter what other people think of me or my family. Until then I'll keep working on not caring about others' opinions.
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