Our Adoption Process -- Part 1
A lot of people ask about the adoption process. The small minority of these people are asking because they have a seed of interest in choosing to adopt their own children someday. Most people who ask are curious because the concept of adoption is foreign to them. Perhaps they have had only biological children and can't imagine loving a child who wasn't born to them. Or maybe they have heard adoption nightmares and wonder if our adoption fits their suspicions that all adoptions are tumultuous. I decided to use this blog space to answer some of those questions.
First off, we adopted through the foster care system. I know there are many avenues for adoption, this is the one we chose. For us adoption was an intentional choice to start our family (not a secondary option due to infertility). I have always had a heart for children who are stuck in lousy situations, waiting for a family. Since the year I was twelve I have always been keenly aware of children languishing in orphanages or trapped in the cycle of a broken foster care system. It isn't an exaggeration to say that I have wanted to adopt as long as I can remember.
When I entered into a serious relationship with my now-husband, adoption became a conversation and then a promise. My husband and I felt that older children in foster care are the most vulnerable population. There are countless couples and individuals ready to take infants and toddlers who are available for adoption. Long waiting lists for private and foster adoptions prove this fact. Many couples wait up to two years before being matched with an infant -- some even longer than that. My own anecdotal evidence from conversations over the years suggests that people feel that infants and toddlers are less risky in adoption because they had less time to be exposed to unhealthy parenting. While this can be true, adopting infants and toddlers is risky in other ways because potential mental illness won't show it self in such young children. Many people feel that infants and toddlers are more of a blank slate, more able to accept healthy parenting in the adoptive home. Because of this perceived risk, older children tend to spend much longer waiting for adoptive parents.
After several years of marriage, my husband and I decided it was time to add children to our family. We began the process by contacting our local Children's Division office. They sent us the initial application and then placed us on the roster for an upcoming foster parent training session. In the state of Missouri, adults who wish to adopt through the foster care system must first pass through the process to become foster-licensed. This process in Missouri is called S.T.A.R.S. and involves nine weeks of classes which are three hours each (27 hours of class altogether). During the nine weeks, adults will also complete a background check and home study. During our home study, a social worker from Children's Division walked through our home looking at all the areas that were red flags (like needing plug covers, buying a fire-extinguisher, locking our medicine cabinet, and having a safety plan for our knives in the kitchen). We had a few weeks to fix the issues and she returned to complete the home study.
The S.T.A.R.S. classes themselves were easy but not terribly interesting. The point of the classes seemed to be weeding out the people who had wrong motives or unrealistic expectations. Most of the topics in the training focused on all the challenges of foster parenting -- mental illness, challenging behaviors, educational issues, learning disabilities, health problems, stealing food, dealing with the biological parents, and managing all the foster requirements. If someone is planning to be a foster parent just for the monthly stipends, the S.T.A.R.S. class is meant to help them see that it's a lousy way to make money. From start to finish we lost at least one-third of the participants in our S.T.A.R.S. session. My husband and I suspect that several participants dropped out because they didn't pass the background check and the rest were scared off by the extreme behaviors that were discussed.
After we completed the S.T.A.R.S. sessions, we were funneled into the next step of the process. For adults interested in adopting a foster child, an additional set of courses and a more thorough home study is required. In Missouri, the courses required are called Spaulding and take four weeks (another 12 hours of classes). Again, the point of this process seemed to be weeding out those who were only vaguely committed or had wrong motives. The home study was very thorough and intense. A social worker spent about six hours with us, taking a thorough history of our own childhoods, educational and work history, how we were disciplined, and any troublesome behaviors (sexual abuse in the past, drug use, addiction, etc.).
Adopting a child through the foster care system is not for the faint of heart. The children "in the system" are there for a reason -- namely because they have parents who were either grossly unable to be parents or had some abhorrent behavior (sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug exposure). Most of the biological parents are a mess. These children most often do not understand boundaries and often have many unpleasant behaviors in the beginning. They may hoard food because they have known starvation and are insecure about when they might see their next meal. Or they may throw violent tantrums when things don't go the way they planned. Some children steal, lie, respond with violence, or use curse words. Other, more troubled children, might harm family pets, rub their feces on the walls, or urinate in inappropriate places around the home.
Our experience with children from the foster care system has been very ideal. We have done three short-term respite placements. (Respite is like foster-licensed babysitting that can last from one day to a couple of weeks). We had a sibling group of three that were sweet and fun. Another time we had two sisters who were adorable and hilarious. Yet another time we had three boys who were respectful and quiet. We experienced none of the terrible things in fostering that were reported in the classes we took.
The next blog will get into our experience in becoming adopt-only foster parents to our children.
First off, we adopted through the foster care system. I know there are many avenues for adoption, this is the one we chose. For us adoption was an intentional choice to start our family (not a secondary option due to infertility). I have always had a heart for children who are stuck in lousy situations, waiting for a family. Since the year I was twelve I have always been keenly aware of children languishing in orphanages or trapped in the cycle of a broken foster care system. It isn't an exaggeration to say that I have wanted to adopt as long as I can remember.
When I entered into a serious relationship with my now-husband, adoption became a conversation and then a promise. My husband and I felt that older children in foster care are the most vulnerable population. There are countless couples and individuals ready to take infants and toddlers who are available for adoption. Long waiting lists for private and foster adoptions prove this fact. Many couples wait up to two years before being matched with an infant -- some even longer than that. My own anecdotal evidence from conversations over the years suggests that people feel that infants and toddlers are less risky in adoption because they had less time to be exposed to unhealthy parenting. While this can be true, adopting infants and toddlers is risky in other ways because potential mental illness won't show it self in such young children. Many people feel that infants and toddlers are more of a blank slate, more able to accept healthy parenting in the adoptive home. Because of this perceived risk, older children tend to spend much longer waiting for adoptive parents.
After several years of marriage, my husband and I decided it was time to add children to our family. We began the process by contacting our local Children's Division office. They sent us the initial application and then placed us on the roster for an upcoming foster parent training session. In the state of Missouri, adults who wish to adopt through the foster care system must first pass through the process to become foster-licensed. This process in Missouri is called S.T.A.R.S. and involves nine weeks of classes which are three hours each (27 hours of class altogether). During the nine weeks, adults will also complete a background check and home study. During our home study, a social worker from Children's Division walked through our home looking at all the areas that were red flags (like needing plug covers, buying a fire-extinguisher, locking our medicine cabinet, and having a safety plan for our knives in the kitchen). We had a few weeks to fix the issues and she returned to complete the home study.
The S.T.A.R.S. classes themselves were easy but not terribly interesting. The point of the classes seemed to be weeding out the people who had wrong motives or unrealistic expectations. Most of the topics in the training focused on all the challenges of foster parenting -- mental illness, challenging behaviors, educational issues, learning disabilities, health problems, stealing food, dealing with the biological parents, and managing all the foster requirements. If someone is planning to be a foster parent just for the monthly stipends, the S.T.A.R.S. class is meant to help them see that it's a lousy way to make money. From start to finish we lost at least one-third of the participants in our S.T.A.R.S. session. My husband and I suspect that several participants dropped out because they didn't pass the background check and the rest were scared off by the extreme behaviors that were discussed.
After we completed the S.T.A.R.S. sessions, we were funneled into the next step of the process. For adults interested in adopting a foster child, an additional set of courses and a more thorough home study is required. In Missouri, the courses required are called Spaulding and take four weeks (another 12 hours of classes). Again, the point of this process seemed to be weeding out those who were only vaguely committed or had wrong motives. The home study was very thorough and intense. A social worker spent about six hours with us, taking a thorough history of our own childhoods, educational and work history, how we were disciplined, and any troublesome behaviors (sexual abuse in the past, drug use, addiction, etc.).
Adopting a child through the foster care system is not for the faint of heart. The children "in the system" are there for a reason -- namely because they have parents who were either grossly unable to be parents or had some abhorrent behavior (sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug exposure). Most of the biological parents are a mess. These children most often do not understand boundaries and often have many unpleasant behaviors in the beginning. They may hoard food because they have known starvation and are insecure about when they might see their next meal. Or they may throw violent tantrums when things don't go the way they planned. Some children steal, lie, respond with violence, or use curse words. Other, more troubled children, might harm family pets, rub their feces on the walls, or urinate in inappropriate places around the home.
Our experience with children from the foster care system has been very ideal. We have done three short-term respite placements. (Respite is like foster-licensed babysitting that can last from one day to a couple of weeks). We had a sibling group of three that were sweet and fun. Another time we had two sisters who were adorable and hilarious. Yet another time we had three boys who were respectful and quiet. We experienced none of the terrible things in fostering that were reported in the classes we took.
The next blog will get into our experience in becoming adopt-only foster parents to our children.
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